“An Open Letter to my Baby with Colic” was written by one of my readers, Alex Johnson. This brave woman reached out to me with one hope – to provide help to mothers who were struggling with a colicky baby. I know there are many searching now for how to calm a colicky baby, but a mom needs personal support too. How was this reader willing to help? By sharing her story through a letter she wrote to her baby 18 years ago when he was struggling with colic.
Motherhood, especially during the early years, can feel very isolating and lonely. There is a power in hearing the stories of others. I’m not speaking of just the heartwarming, happy stories. The stories that were born out of the struggle and the pain give us a depth of understanding and an empathy that is much needed in humanity. This woman wants her story to be there as a lifeline for the mom whose emotions are raw because of the reality of a newborn with colic. It’s not easy, but there is hope.
Here is how my reader reached out:
Hello, I am a mother of three. My oldest is about to turn 18, and part of his present is me putting together all of the letters I had written him over the years. My son was colic as an infant. I don’t mean he cried some. I mean he screamed….ALL THE TIME! It was the most difficult experience of my life. I am telling you this because I just re-typed one of the letters I wrote him.
He was just 6 weeks old. He was colic, and I probably was suffering, untreated from postpartum. My letter is heart wrenching. I had promised myself that I would always be honest in the letters. This one is painfully honest, and pathetically sad. No one talks about colic.
I was so woefully unprepared and felt so alone. I don’t know if you would be interested, but I wondered if my letter might help someone else. If you are interested, I could send it to you and you could maybe post it on your blog since you have a good following. As a new mother dealing with a colicky baby, I would have liked to have known that others shared and understood my pain. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
~ Alex
After reading the letter, I jumped on the chance of sharing it. Not only do I love the thought of helping moms who are facing the challenges of postpartum and colic, but I also adore the idea of writing letters like this and presenting them to the children as a gift. If reminds me of my birthday letter writing tradition that I’ve neglected for the last few years and am now determined to re-start.
An Open Letter to my Baby with Colic
June 15, 1999
6 weeks old
Dear Devin,
I love you and I wanted you from before you were even born. You are here with me, with your perfect little body, and yet I feel so painfully alone. You are not the child I imagined, and I feel as though I am in the most vulnerable position ever. I want to be a good mother. It is so important-yet, I am afraid I am failing you. Where are my sweet maternal feelings? Where is that instant bonding that everyone talks about? Instead, I feel like there is a noose around my neck. Panic sets in. How am I going to do this? I feel like I am surviving hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. Nothing will ever be the same again. And I feel terribly guilty. You deserve more; you deserve better. I feel like just about every new mother in the world feels full-fledged bliss at the birth of her little miracle. What is wrong with me? Will we both survive this?
Today I have done nothing but be with you. I have eaten nothing. I have not left you, at all. I sit with you in my lap, wearing the same clothes as yesterday, smelling like dried sour milk. And I cry. I never stop loving you for a minute. I know that deep down I truly do love you. I cry because I can’t move, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to move again. I feel trapped. I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. And then you wake up and look at me. You stir softly. You coo and look so peaceful. And I cry. I cry because you are so beautiful. And deep down I know that you are not intentionally trying to drive me crazy.
Did I make the biggest mistake of my life in becoming a mother? I thought I was ready. I thought I was ready for the sacrifices and challenges. But now I wonder. Is it this hard for every new mother or am I just too selfish and impatient? I am trying so hard. I am working harder than I have ever worked at anything in my life, and I still cannot comfort you. So I think it must be me. I try harder. I have nothing left to give. I am failing at the most important job in my life. The really scary thing is I cannot quit. I would not quit. I will not quit. This is my reality. I am so sorry.
Love,
Mommy
We are a story sharing people, so keep sharing your stories with one another. To the mom with a colic baby, you are not alone. You will get through this season. It will not be like this forever. Seek the help and community you need right now. Know that you are strong, and your baby will be fine. Be encouraged today.
When my second had colic, I drove from Kentucky to our old duty station in GA to visit my old chiropractor. One adjustment later and she was fine.
Great advice for moms reading this. Thanks so much for providing this option.
My daughter had colic and kept me up every night. We’d use colic drops before bed time and that gave *some* respite. She’s now 2 years old and such a peaceful, happy baby.
For any parent going through this, indeed, you are not alone. It will get better.
Yes, it will. Sometimes it feels like we will be in the different seasons forever. It’s a good reminder that there will be relief. Thank you!
This is my life. 8 weeks old and we have tried everything to give baby and myself some relief. Pediatrician said I’m an 8 out of 10 on the ppd scale. I feel like I’m neglecting my 2.5 year old and lashing out at everyone around me. I know there’s an end to all this craziness I just hope it’s soon! This has inspired me. I’m going to buy some journals to start writing to my littles. Maybe I can use it as an escape and reflect on the good things my babies bring to me.
I hope it ends soon too. Maybe it already has. It was a crazy summer, so I have had a hard time responding to my readers, so I’m sorry about that. I am so glad this article was inspiring. It’s always helpful to know what other people have gone through it and survived. I really hope it’s going better for you. It’s so hard. Make sure to give yourself some grace during this season…during every season, really.
My second born (my son) had severe, debilitating reflux as an infant. He vomited everything up every time I nursed him. We could not lay him down flat, ever. I was so paranoid that he would drown in his own vomit and he was in so much pain that he would just scream. All we could do was hold him. Nearly 24 hours a day, round the clock, day in and day out. It lasted for nearly a year. On top of the severe reflux, he also had chronic ear infections. My poor baby was in terrible pain and was never comfortable for his entire first year of life. He was always on antibiotics and had ear tubes at seven months old. His ear infections would get so bad that the infection would spread to his joints.
We tried everything. He was on two different reflux medications for over a year, we also used a charcoal-based homeopathic medicine that stained everything. Nothing worked. I bought angled sleeping devices and spent hundreds of dollars trying to help him be comfortable and bring us some reprieve. Nothing worked. We just had to wait it out. And it took a year.
My husband and I both had to stop working, we lost our home and filed bankruptcy a couple years later. I questioned my decision to have my son many times in that first year because of the struggles we had. I felt so guilty. My relationship with my daughter was forever changed and I was not the nice, sweet mommy to her for quite some time. It took a long time for our family to recover from this but we are doing very well now.
My son is now five and he is doing fine. He was a little behind on the growth curve for several years but he is mostly caught up now. He is a delightful, happy, funny, and healthy child. This was the hardest thing I have ever been through but I wouldn’t change any of this. It has made us stronger as a family.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Hearing from other moms that have been through it and survived is so important for other families that are struggling. I am so grateful for you to be so open about your experience. It sounds miserable, and I know that mom guilt and feeling of defeat. I am so glad your son is now doing well. What an encouragement.