How to Stop the Whining and Crying: The Happy Heart Technique
Whining and crying drives me cuckoo. It’s something I’ve wanted to train out of my kids since the moment it reared its ugly head. We are still working on it, believe me, but we have seen major improvement in this area with one piece of advice, “the happy heart.”
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Since our oldest was 18 months old, we have used this happy heart technique to curb whining. This is not for when they are hurt. It is not when they are sad because their fish has died or their feelings have been hurt. This is for those dramatic moments where they are sad because they don’t get what they want and they just decide to pitch a fit.
If the pouting or temper tantrum begins, the child is sent to a removed spot with no distractions (in our house, the stairs). They stay there until their attitude has shifted. This is NOT a punishment. This is NOT a traditional time out. It is NOT a set amount of time. It is always said, “I love having you with me. I want you to be able to play with us and be with us, but it just can’t happen until you are under control with a happy heart. You are feeling frustrated, and I want to talk about it, but this is not how we act.” At that point, the amount of time away is up to them. It could be a second or an hour. It’s never been an hour at our house, but I’ve heard of it happening. The Pritchards, parents of 11 who taught me this trick, have pictures of one of their children asleep on the stairs as they were trying to be able to come back with an improved attitude. I try to make what I am doing with the other kids very appealing so that they want to be able to get control and join the fun.
Kids can feel upset, and their feelings can be validated (even though they might seem extremely irrational to you, we do know they feel these emotions deeply). You can acknowledge their feelings and want to discuss the feelings with a pre-teen, toddler or elementary age child, but you need to choose a time where they are able to do it in a way that is respectful and doesn’t impact the climate of your home. “Happy heart” doesn’t mean they don’t feel their emotions. It is just an outward display of the control they are willing to have in their behavior so that we can actually talk and address the problem at hand. I also want to emphasize that trying to figure out when to teach control and also recognizing the importance of showing empathy to kids is challenging yet important. I do think there is a balance to create and knowing your own children well is a large part of the key.
With the littler kids, we had to do some teaching for them to understand by demonstrating a smile and a calm face. Abby would sit crying and say amid tears, “I have a happy heart.” We also have had to physically put them back on the stairs until they can gain control. As they grow, they understand the concept more and can self regulate. We celebrate their return and continue on without the fuss and take the opportunity to discuss their feelings at this time. As they grew older, we have found other ways to express their feelings like our communication journal.
*Note: After reading some reader comments I stopped using the phrase “happy heart.” You could change it to “I have self control,” or “I have a teachable heart.” I don’t want my kids to feel like they can’t express emotions of anger, fear, frustration, etc. The goal isn’t to make them happy. The goal is to get them to a state where they can work through those emotions productively.
In wanting children to identify their feelings and begin to understand them more, we have used books. Here’s a list of some great looking books that might help you navigate emotions with your kids:
The Feelings Book (Revised): The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions
Feelings (Reading Rainbow Book)
I have also been known to be cheesy and say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I speak English and a little bit of Spanish. I don’t speak Whinese.” Another phrase is, “I’m sorry I don’t understand a word you’re saying when you talk to me like that.” They NEVER get what they want when they are whining and crying. This is so important. They need to learn to understand that it won’t work. In the end, we want to get to our child’s heart and not just their behavior. By emphasizing their heart attitude, the focus in the right place.
We also, as parents, need to recognize that this is a developmental phase. We need to mentally be aware of that so our patience can remain more consistent. Developmental phases are important to be able to identify, but it is our jobs as parents to teach them how to handle what they are feeling and grow through them. We could always make excuses for behavior. “It’s a developmental phase, so I’ll just let them act like a stinker.” “They’re a teenage dealing with emotions, so they are just going to have an attitude problem.” We could continue making excuses for ourselves or our children based on any number of life experiences. However, we need to teach our kids that we are responsible for how we respond to the challenges in life. Make excuses? or learn to deal with challenges, developmental phases or personal struggles in a more effective way? I want my kids to learn to respond to life well rather than blaming other things for their behavior.
A trap I’ve gotten myself into and am trying to work on in regards to this is to not get emotionally involved. I need to keep a happy heart during the technique. I need to disengage from the battle. It is a simple, matter-of-fact approach where you remove yourself from the equation both mentally and physically.
This concepts translates to the older child too. In my post, “Navigating the Pre-Teen Years,” I spoke of giving the children alone time to get their emotions together. Again, we want them to feel and express their feelings. However, we want them to learn how to communicate in appropriate ways without dictating the environment in the home.
If you let your child’s whining and crying dictate the mood in your home, you are doomed for a miserable experience for both you and the child. They need to learn how to express their emotions in healthy ways, and it’s a great lesson in self-control. I literally have had children freaking out crying and switching it off within moments of sitting on the stairs. They can learn this!
Here is some scripture you can help them memorize to get to the heart of the situation, emphasizing that it’s hard to do alone, but with God’s help, we can learn self-control and learn how to cast our cares to him.
* “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” – 1 Peter 5:7
* “Do everything without complaining or arguing.” – Philippians 2:14
* “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13
* “Be angry, yet do not sin. Think about this when upon your beds, and be silent.” Psalm 4:4 (This was given to me by a reader in the comments. I love it. It is exactly what I am getting at with this article. Feel your feelings. Identify your feelings. However, don’t let your feelings lead you to a behavior that is harmful. I think the post below is super helpful in helping kids feel, identify and manage their emotions).
I know it is hard and frustrating as a mom to work on eliminating whining in your home. Here are some resources to help mom have a “happy heart:”
Written by my mentors, parents of 11 kids, “Parenting with Truth and Grace Series”
Surprised by Motherhood: Everything I Never Expected about Being a Mom
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are
Looking for More Help in Raising Kids?
Helping Kids Verbalize their Emotions
I need to know if anyone has tried this with adults. lol 😉
HAHAHAHA – Seriously needs to happen sometimes, doesn’t it?
When my son was 2 years old, we had the rule: “No Throwing Fits”. It wasn’t because I couldn’t deal with it, O, on the contrary! The whining I could handle, but the PUKING I could not! So, we had a system where if he started crying for any reason other than pain I would count to 3. He would take 3 Deep Breaths, one on each count. At the end of “3” I would ask if he was better. If he could say “Yes” in a calm voice then we would talk about what was wrong. I always wanted him to know that what he felt matters, but we needed to handle it in a different way. However, if he could not say “Yes” in a calm voice, we would count again with 3 more deep breaths before we would discuss the problem. This worked very well for us: in public places and in the privacy of our home. At home we could sit together and talk, in public I could pick him up and we could talk, put him in the basket and walk through the store talking, or we could walk side by side and talk it over. Through the years I have used all of these examples and more and it has opened so many gateways of conversations and enabled us to be each others’ confidants. My son is much older than 2 years old now, but we still are able to talk about anything and I accredit it to his uncontrollable puking when he threw fits so long ago.
I love your story and experience with this. Would you mind if I wrote a post about it? It sounds like another great method people might want to adopt. This particular post has been very popular, as it is a topic we are dealing with. I see your method an alternative option for those not as comfortable sending their child away to get control. Let me know what you think. Thanks, Jodi
Just stumbled upon your pics on Pinterest and it took me to this post. I couldn’t stop reading! Very well thought and explained, thank you!
Thank you so much! I’m glad it was helpful and that you found me. I hope you’ll sign up for my newsletter and become part of the community here. 🙂
ya its definitely a useful one for me thank u so much
So glad it’s helpful and working for you! Thanks for checking it with your successes!
Sooo thankful I just found your website! What a BLESSSSSING and ENCOURAGEMENT!!! <3 We have such an important calling in how we handle EVERY little thing with our children. They see everything and are constantly learning. These are amazing encouragements and ideas for Godly parenting. Thank you sooo much!
Thank you so much for your kind words. You are an encouragement to me today. I really appreciate you being here. Let me know how I can serve you – if there’s topics you want discussed, etc. Thanks!
This is, in fact, a punishment. Dressing it up as nice or compassionate doesn’t make it nice or compassionate. I’m not sure why any parent thinks they can classify when it is and isn’t okay to feel upset or how it’s appropriate to express that emotion. Hint, you don’t get to and attempting only invalidates your children to make your own life more convenient. It’s not a very good lesson to teach.
The only respectful way to deal with this is A) remove the misguided idea you get to decide when and how they can be upset and B) time-IN, not go away and only come back when you’ve dealt with your emotions yourself. No sugar-coating makes that any less messed up.
Thank you for your opinion. We obviously have a difference of opinion on this. I definitely want to identify and talk through and validate emotions, but I do believe kids need to learn how to express these appropriately and throwing a tantrum just isn’t the way we want our kids to communicate. I appreciate you weighing in with your thoughts.
I love this. I am a full time working mama of 3 boys: an 8 year-old full time stepson, a 7 year old 50/50 shared custody bio son, and a 3.5 year old 50/50 shared custody bio son (they are brothers/share the same father).
We have significant struggles with the whining out of our 3.5 year old, especially when he comes back from his dad’s house. We’ve been doing a version of this (taking him to his room and telling him that he can rejoin us when he’s not screaming and crying), but I like your version of this better. It seems more positive and understanding.
In reading through the comments (and your responses), I think the folks who are against this need to understand that you aren’t using this for EVERY time a child is upset. As a parent, it’s important to know your child well enough to recognize genuine emotions versus the ones that are displayed when a child is simply trying to get his or her way. For example: my littlest one comes to me before dinner nearly every day and asks for a treat (usually something sugary that he doesn’t need before supper). When I tell him no, he will tell me that he is hungry and an episode of whining/fit throwing usually happens. I offer him healthy alternatives: “No, you can’t have a brownie, but you can have a banana, an orange, or some applesauce.” If he takes me up on one of those, I know that he really is hungry and that usually ends it right there. But if he declines the choices, I know it’s just a tantrum to get the brownie, and then he ends up in his room until he can settle down.
I think that’s a really good clarification. I also recognize that toddlers and young children throw tantrums because they don’t have the words to express their frustration. I really love you weighing in with your thoughts. I think it’s important to help them learn to verbalize emotions while also learning that people just don’t communicate by throwing a tantrum…well, at least most of the time. 😉
LoL, I thought this was a pretty decent way to handle these situations. It seems nicer then how my folks, who must have been monsters, used to handle fits. “Straigthen it up or I will give you a reason to cry.” How things have changed.
Hahaha! Things have changed haven’t they…some for better and some for worse. Thanks for commenting.
Hi! I have done this very successfully with my now 5 year old. When she was starting her terrible 2s, I realized that she would psych herself up so much that she couldn’t enjoy anything. So I started telling her to “go find your happiness”. She was required to sit on her bed. She could cry, she could read, she could play with her bed toys, basically anything that was on her bed and she needed to do it quietly enough to not disturb the rest of the house – ie no screaming. She could come back as soon as she found her happiness and we could then discuss whatever set her off. Now, as a 5 year old, she is able to verbalize that she is overwhelmed and needs a break to find her happiness. My 3 year old is still struggling to do this successfully everytime but it still helps him avoid some major meltdowns.
Thanks so much for sharing this. It’s amazing how effective it is to help them calm down so we can really discuss the emotions going on in their bodies and minds. One of my children, especially, goes from 0-60 and cannot problem solve or think logically until her body is in more of a calm state. Then we can have effective conversation and discipline when needed. Wishing you the best as you navigate this with your 3 year old.