How to Stop the Whining and Crying: The Happy Heart Technique
Whining and crying drives me cuckoo. It’s something I’ve wanted to train out of my kids since the moment it reared its ugly head. We are still working on it, believe me, but we have seen major improvement in this area with one piece of advice, “the happy heart.”
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Since our oldest was 18 months old, we have used this happy heart technique to curb whining. This is not for when they are hurt. It is not when they are sad because their fish has died or their feelings have been hurt. This is for those dramatic moments where they are sad because they don’t get what they want and they just decide to pitch a fit.
If the pouting or temper tantrum begins, the child is sent to a removed spot with no distractions (in our house, the stairs). They stay there until their attitude has shifted. This is NOT a punishment. This is NOT a traditional time out. It is NOT a set amount of time. It is always said, “I love having you with me. I want you to be able to play with us and be with us, but it just can’t happen until you are under control with a happy heart. You are feeling frustrated, and I want to talk about it, but this is not how we act.” At that point, the amount of time away is up to them. It could be a second or an hour. It’s never been an hour at our house, but I’ve heard of it happening. The Pritchards, parents of 11 who taught me this trick, have pictures of one of their children asleep on the stairs as they were trying to be able to come back with an improved attitude. I try to make what I am doing with the other kids very appealing so that they want to be able to get control and join the fun.
Kids can feel upset, and their feelings can be validated (even though they might seem extremely irrational to you, we do know they feel these emotions deeply). You can acknowledge their feelings and want to discuss the feelings with a pre-teen, toddler or elementary age child, but you need to choose a time where they are able to do it in a way that is respectful and doesn’t impact the climate of your home. “Happy heart” doesn’t mean they don’t feel their emotions. It is just an outward display of the control they are willing to have in their behavior so that we can actually talk and address the problem at hand. I also want to emphasize that trying to figure out when to teach control and also recognizing the importance of showing empathy to kids is challenging yet important. I do think there is a balance to create and knowing your own children well is a large part of the key.
With the littler kids, we had to do some teaching for them to understand by demonstrating a smile and a calm face. Abby would sit crying and say amid tears, “I have a happy heart.” We also have had to physically put them back on the stairs until they can gain control. As they grow, they understand the concept more and can self regulate. We celebrate their return and continue on without the fuss and take the opportunity to discuss their feelings at this time. As they grew older, we have found other ways to express their feelings like our communication journal.
*Note: After reading some reader comments I stopped using the phrase “happy heart.” You could change it to “I have self control,” or “I have a teachable heart.” I don’t want my kids to feel like they can’t express emotions of anger, fear, frustration, etc. The goal isn’t to make them happy. The goal is to get them to a state where they can work through those emotions productively.
In wanting children to identify their feelings and begin to understand them more, we have used books. Here’s a list of some great looking books that might help you navigate emotions with your kids:
The Feelings Book (Revised): The Care and Keeping of Your Emotions
Feelings (Reading Rainbow Book)
I have also been known to be cheesy and say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I speak English and a little bit of Spanish. I don’t speak Whinese.” Another phrase is, “I’m sorry I don’t understand a word you’re saying when you talk to me like that.” They NEVER get what they want when they are whining and crying. This is so important. They need to learn to understand that it won’t work. In the end, we want to get to our child’s heart and not just their behavior. By emphasizing their heart attitude, the focus in the right place.
We also, as parents, need to recognize that this is a developmental phase. We need to mentally be aware of that so our patience can remain more consistent. Developmental phases are important to be able to identify, but it is our jobs as parents to teach them how to handle what they are feeling and grow through them. We could always make excuses for behavior. “It’s a developmental phase, so I’ll just let them act like a stinker.” “They’re a teenage dealing with emotions, so they are just going to have an attitude problem.” We could continue making excuses for ourselves or our children based on any number of life experiences. However, we need to teach our kids that we are responsible for how we respond to the challenges in life. Make excuses? or learn to deal with challenges, developmental phases or personal struggles in a more effective way? I want my kids to learn to respond to life well rather than blaming other things for their behavior.
A trap I’ve gotten myself into and am trying to work on in regards to this is to not get emotionally involved. I need to keep a happy heart during the technique. I need to disengage from the battle. It is a simple, matter-of-fact approach where you remove yourself from the equation both mentally and physically.
This concepts translates to the older child too. In my post, “Navigating the Pre-Teen Years,” I spoke of giving the children alone time to get their emotions together. Again, we want them to feel and express their feelings. However, we want them to learn how to communicate in appropriate ways without dictating the environment in the home.
If you let your child’s whining and crying dictate the mood in your home, you are doomed for a miserable experience for both you and the child. They need to learn how to express their emotions in healthy ways, and it’s a great lesson in self-control. I literally have had children freaking out crying and switching it off within moments of sitting on the stairs. They can learn this!
Here is some scripture you can help them memorize to get to the heart of the situation, emphasizing that it’s hard to do alone, but with God’s help, we can learn self-control and learn how to cast our cares to him.
* “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” – 1 Peter 5:7
* “Do everything without complaining or arguing.” – Philippians 2:14
* “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” – Philippians 4:13
* “Be angry, yet do not sin. Think about this when upon your beds, and be silent.” Psalm 4:4 (This was given to me by a reader in the comments. I love it. It is exactly what I am getting at with this article. Feel your feelings. Identify your feelings. However, don’t let your feelings lead you to a behavior that is harmful. I think the post below is super helpful in helping kids feel, identify and manage their emotions).
I know it is hard and frustrating as a mom to work on eliminating whining in your home. Here are some resources to help mom have a “happy heart:”
Written by my mentors, parents of 11 kids, “Parenting with Truth and Grace Series”
Surprised by Motherhood: Everything I Never Expected about Being a Mom
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are
Looking for More Help in Raising Kids?
Helping Kids Verbalize their Emotions
Great post! Looking forward to working in these things as a team. Love you.
This is essentially what I use time out for in my house. I love the verse Psalm 4:4 that basically tells us if we are angry to go Sit on our beds and search our hearts! Time out in the bible! I think focusing on having a right attitude and heart is important for our children and ourselves. Yesterday, I wrote about Temper Tantrums (http://heavennotharvard.com/2014/07/28/temper-tantrums/ ) in my blog about getting angry, and that getting angry is destructive instead of instructive. We want to instruct and teach rather than punish. A quiet place to adjust an attitude is exactly what time out is supposed to be, but I love calling that positive attitude a happy Heart. I usually use the word joyful because God calls us to serve Him and each other joyfully, but I very much in agreement with your parenting style! Love it!
You have worded this very well. I love it. It’s funny how we have to work on our own “temper tantrums” too (like you talk about in your article). I feel it, and I often have to remove myself when I feel frustrated. I really try and voice things just like I want my kids to, “I’m feeling angry right now because…” It’s a conscious decision for me. I imagine if it’s challenging for me, it has to be that much harder for my own kids. I love that Psalm 4:4 verse that you gave me. I think I want to add this verse to my post. It’s exactly what I am promoting. Thanks for introducing yourself. I’m excited to follow you now.
Hmmm… I am of mixed feelings with this. My children didn’t whine because I told them I couldn’t hear them when they talked in that tone of voice. I didn’t employ time out or even separation that I remember. However,I distinctly remember having a crying jag in my room when I was little. I desperately wanted the comfort of my mother’s arms but her stern look kept me in my room every time I approached her. In later years she told me she was so proud of how I learned “to control my feelings.”
It was only as an adult that I realized what I had learned was not self control, but to bury my emotions. I was never to express feelings that made other people uncomfortable. Never be angry. Never be sad. Never be afraid. Never speak up for yourself. Never ruffle anyone’s feathers. There was also the aspect of childhood depression, in which I firmly believe.
Children whine and cry for many reasons. Sometimes, like my mother, you might be masking a “disease” by treating the symptom.
I totally hear your heart on this. I am sorry for what you experienced that has made you stuff your emotions. I in no way want that for my kids, and it’s not my heart in the article. I agree with you that this can be taken in the really wrong way if you don’t know the entire approach to my parenting. That is part of the reason why I linked to my post about having kids learn to identify and express their emotions. My whole point with the concept is to get kids to a place where they are able to talk about their feelings in a constructive way. Kids often whine and cry because they learn it gets them what they want – either attention or something physically. It’s not an appropriate way to act, and it will drive people away. I really want my kids to learn to voice, “I am frustrated right now because…” I really try and help them label their emotions so that we can learn how to positively deal with the feelings. Feelings should be validated, but how we respond to feelings can be taught. For example, if I bite everyone’s head off that I want to when I feel pre-menstral, it wouldn’t be constructive. It would be damaging. Part of the growing up process, I feel, is identifying the emotion, trying to figure out the root and then handling it in a way that glorifies God – despite my feelings. I try and get my kids to listen to their bodies – are you hungry? are you tired? do you need alone time? are you angry? frustrated? scared? Let’s not use those things as an excuse. We can identify them, feel them deeply (because we will) and then learn to rely on God to help them navigate these emotions in a way that is healthy. I hope that gives a bit more insight into my heart on this. I think “happy heart” is easy for 2 year olds to grasp visually and recognize with parent demonstration. As my kids age, I use terms that are a bit more abstract – like “You need to get self control so that we can explore your feelings in a healthy way.” Happy heart is really for those preschoolers to relate to.
Thank you for your well-considered reply. I especially appreciate that you understood my initial reaction to your post. I understand much more about your philosophy now and can agree with your approach, particularly as it relates to the situation and the age of the child. I will look forward to reading more here, as I never get tired of studying parenting and child development. Keep up the good work!
Hi, This is exactly how I felt after reading your reply. My son whines and cries as well and i really want to break him of this. I actually prefer your approach in telling the child that you can’t hear or communicate with them when they are crying…. which is the truth. I don’t want to send my son away until he pretends to be “ok.” I don’t have the answers but the whole exercise of a happy heart method screams “Stepford” to me.
Thanks for your thoughts. I do want to clarify that we talk about the feelings and try to identify the emotions going on after he or she has calmed. I might say something like, “It seems to me you felt frustrated…” Then, I would give them the tools for communicating that in a different way. That might help how you feel about it, or it might not. I hope you find something that works great for your family.
I like the advise given to help label feelings (you look upset/angry) – it’s so valuable for helping kids understand their feelings! But I can’t get on board with “now go sort out those feelings on your own and come back with a happy heart.” sending them away once you’ve labeled their feelings sounds like shaming them for how they feel. I totally agree that some crying and whining is to “get their way,” but sometimes it’s because they are wound up, or exhausted, or clear limits haven’t been set – and they have some feelings they’d like to express. I find that being present and accepting has helped us – and that doesn’t mean I don’t set clear limits (ie: “I hear you’re upset. You’re voice is very loud and it’s bothering other people. would you like to go outside or stay here and quiet down? you’re having some trouble listening – let’s go outside until you’ve calmed down.”)
I’m so embarrassed about how long it has taken me to respond. Trying to be a mom and keep up with all the different components of blogging can be a challenge and sometimes comments take a back seat, but I do want to respond. I like your approach and appreciate you weighing in on the discussion. I think you handle it well. I think certain kids might be different in this area. We have found that by keeping the kids (especially one of them) with us, the drama gets bigger, and she tries to manipulate the situation. I have found that when she has a little time to cool down on her own and think things through a bit, she comes back willing to discuss her feelings and frustrations in a healthy way. I try to not ignore what happened when she comes back. They say that when a child is angry, it takes them a certain amount of time to calm down where their brain is able to process information at all. She has an opportunity to calm down and then we get to teach, encourage, listen and talk through. While some of this is definitely developmental, I also feel like it is our responsibility as parents, to usher them on to a more effective way of communication. I am sure you feel the same way but have a different approach. I appreciate your opinions and really do hear what you have to say. Thanks for communicating with me in such a respectful way.
I have to agree with Karla and (in her original response) ohiograndma. You can call it whatever you want, and you can explain it in a way that makes you feel better. But what is it, really, when you remove all the fancy names? It is a (temporary) forced removal to a lonely place, and denial of closeness and love (saying “I love you” when removing love only makes it more confusing to the child). You covered it with very smart and eloquent description that, unfortunately, an 18 months old can’t understand. In an 18months old’s head s/he simply doesn’t get to snuggle, talk to, or even see mommy, if s/he doesn’t do what mommy says. I doubt even a 4 year old is capable of fully understanding your explanation. The fact that you had to specifically say it is not a punishment shows that your intentions may be easily misinterpreted.
When you say “I love having you with me. I want you to be able to play with us and be with us, but it just can’t happen until you are under control with a happy heart”, your child hears: “I love you only when you have a happy heart.” It is possible that this is a message that you want to send, though, I am not sure.
We practiced the “I can’t understand when you say it this way, please say it again clearly” approach, stating it in a peaceful, matter-of-fact voice, modeling proper pronunciation (no jokes, to cut it short). It helped tremendously; the phase lasted all but a few days and we don’t have a >problem< with whining anymore. Whenever (on a rare occasion) it appears again, the same approach solves the issue immediately (I still brace myself, though, as my son just turned 3, and I know it may come back). 🙂
When my son loses control over himself (tantrum), may be a situation that your "Happy Heart" method would apply in our home. This also happens very rarely, usually when he is hungry/tired/etc.,. We then (1) acknowledge his feelings, (2) restate the problem he is seeing (and can’t verbalize), and (3) show compassion (just like a frustrated adult, a kid wants to be heard). When this doesn’t help (which has happened only once so far, a few months ago, but again, I've heard of "terrible three", not only "terrible two") I removed him (to avoid distracting the whole family, as you do too) but never abandoned him. We sat together and calmed down together by breathing (Dr. Becky Bailey has some advice here: https://consciousdiscipline.com/resources/discipline_tips.asp but quite frankly it seems a bit cheesy. This is where I am hoping to incorporate your blowing candles advice next time). By staying with our son, we are trying to teach him that he can discuss our problems with loved ones and solve them together. Figuring out how to regain control of oneself on their own, without proper tools (which a child, especially 18 months old, doesn't possess yet) may lead to suppressing feelings (see Karla's note) or faking them, on top of feeling loved only under certain conditions.
On a side note, we usually make ourselves very comfortable and take a toy of some kind, a calming jar, a book, a stuffed animal or whatever else is on hand to our "time out together" (we don't call it anything, it just flows naturally). The distraction helps regain distance to the situation and having busy hands sometimes helps talking. Additionally, it reinforces the notion that it is NOT a punishment. When he is back in control, we discuss what happened and how to avoid it just like you do.
I am not the best writer and perhaps my explanation is not very clear, so it may be better coming from a professional. Are you familiar with "unconditional parenting"? It's about unconditional love, just like God loves us, no matter what. We should love our children the same way, which we do, but by removing them from us, especially in a time when they are having a difficulty (i.e. difficulty expressing their emotions), we are failing to show or act our unconditional love. "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn is a great book, I highly recommend it.
Sorry for such a long post. I hope it's some food for thought. 🙂
Well said Alina. I agree
Very well said Alina. I was very uncomfortable when reading this post but couldn’t really put into words why it didn’t sit well with me. Reading yours and a few others (especially ohiograndma) replies solidified why, thank you.
I appreciate that different families have things that work and don’t work for them. I do need to let you know that we work really hard on helping our kids express their feelings in appropriate ways. This technique is for when there are inappropriate shows of drama and freaking out because they are not getting there way. I wish you well on whatever technique you use for raising your kiddos.
All of kids’ feelings are real and valid and they need empathy not isolation until they have a “happy heart” again. What we might consider to be an over-the-top reaction to something is very real and upsetting to them and they always need our help to calm down and learn better ways of expressing their feelings and needs, whether we think it’s overly dramatic or not, because it is real and valid to them and that is what matters.
I really appreciated this article and think there’s lots of great advice, reminders and thoughts here! As I read some of these objections or concerns, I didn’t quite see how they didn’t see and understand your point and heart behind it. However, then reading Alina’s, it made a little more sense. I actually see that there can be times for BOTH….times to sit with the child, talk and validate, and then other times to let them cool off a bit, and even myself….especially in the midst of a large family! With myself, I struggle with patience and anger (probably because I never quite learned when little how to accurately express it!!), and my oldest (8 years) is quite a strong willed child who also struggles with anger. SO, this time out to regroup and calm down so we can both gently communicate and think clearly is sometimes crucial! I think it goes back to the verses of fleeing temptation, and sometimes we have to flee the moments, pray, and wait on the strength of the Lord. I’m not punishing her with this, but hopefully teaching her that sometimes we must be quiet and escape the temptation until we can act appropriately and rightly discuss our feelings. Goodness, I mean sometimes my husband has to give me this time-out to renew my mind before I blow it with my kids! 🙂
Anyway, other times and with some of my other children, I could see the benefits of incorporating some of the advice given in these comments….staying with them, loving and cuddling and discussing things IF we are both under control.
I think it all comes down to being led by the Spirit and praying for His wisdom in what each child needs. Although doing that is easier said than done sometimes in the moment!
I appreciate the respectful comments and especially the article!
I think you have really summarized my heart for this method well. I have found that, especially with my daughter, that time away to cool down is exactly what she needs to be able to talk through how she’s feeling in a productive way. I know some feel like it’s horrible to not sit and comfort the child every time. I want my kids to identify and express their emotions, but I absolutely believe it is a parent’s responsibility to teach kids what kind of communication is acceptable. Screaming and whining isn’t a way we communicate in society if we are wanting to be a productive citizen. If one child is dominating attention because of their poor behavior or tantrums, it’s not fair to the rest of the family. That child is also modeling that if you throw a tantrum you get mommy’s attention. I believe the times to have them go away to gather control vs. a time for comforting are situational. There’s not the exact solution ever time, but I’m not going to let one child negatively impact the atmosphere in our home by responding dramatically. Thanks so much for weighing in your thoughts and seeing my heart.
What an awesome article! Very positive and effective way to not only maintain control in your own home, but also, to teach accountability! love, love, loved this!!!
Thanks so much! I am so glad you like this idea. I hope it is helpful!
I have a 20 month old that I need to start this with. How do you get them to stay at the beginning? Basically, what does this look like when you begin?
It was a little tricky at the beginning, but I did start this at 18 months with all my kids. I think that is why I use the phrase “happy heart.” It’s a little more understandable to the younger ages. We can explain about self control and expressing ourselves in a constructive way when they’re older. I would sit my kids on the stairs and explain things. I would say something like, “I want to play with you. I want to know why you are upset. I need you to get a happy heart and then you can come back.” I would point to my face and show a smile and repeat the words “happy heart.” If my child got up and followed me still crying and whining, I’d pick her up and put her back, demonstrating the face again with, “You need a happy face.” It wasn’t magic at first and I’d have to put them back a number of times, but they caught on fairly quickly. They began to understand that they could come back when they were done pitching a fit. I would then try and define what they felt. Were you sad? Frustrated? Angry? At the younger ages, I would try and define it for them. “You were frustrated because you wanted that toy. When you want something, you can’t whine and cry or you won’t get it.” I often say, “We don’t get anything when we whine and cry.” I do want to clarify that this is for times they are pitching a fit, usually because they want their way. I don’t use this technique when they are just sad about something, hurt themselves, etc. I try and be compassionate at appropriate times and use the technique for when they are carrying on in ways that usually reflecting a heart condition.
My 6 year old daughter was kicked out of vacation bible school and asked not to come back to any activities because she will not lusten, acts ou, and runs away when diciplined. She does not do this with me at home. I am a completely single parent and she is an only child. She is going into first grade this year and academically she is advanced but her behavior is why i won’t promote her. I need some serious advice as to how to correct these negative behavior choices with an extremely intelligent child.
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Parenting is so hard. I can’t imagine how much harder it is as a single parent. I also want to say, first of all, that I’m so sorry about what happened at VBS. I work with kids at church, and I know there are kids that are more challenging to work with. However, the whole gospel message is that it’s not about how you perform because we all fall flat. The church is the one place that your child should be loved well and greeted with open arms. I totally understand how it’s hard to deal with an unruly child, and you don’t want other kids to be neglected because of the one child. I don’t want to judge this particular church or the challenges (maybe lack of volunteers) that they are dealing with. I would just hope that the church could clearly teach the gospel message – that none of us is good enough, but Christ loves us and has grace for us despite our stuff if we decide to put our faith in Him. I just wish your daughter (and you) got that picture through your experience. So, I’m sorry. Again, I wouldn’t dismiss this church, but it might be worth a loving, understanding conversation. You could even ask them for advice because you are at a loss. OK – Now onto the question about your daughter. It is so fascinating to me that she doesn’t act out like this at home. I would imagine you are working pretty hard, but I would encourage you to take a day or two off and see if you can sit in a classroom or Sunday School class to observe her behavior. It might give you some insight as to what you are up against. Then, you can work toward putting a unique plan of action for your child at school and home. I would encourage you to become a team with the school because you know they want these kids to succeed. You’ll need to follow through on your part with your daughter at home. Don’t blame the school or put this on their shoulders. This will have to be a team effort. Is your daughter able to express what is going on with her or how she feels when she starts to want to act out. I would try to hear her voice as much as possible. She might have frustrations about her dad – lack of or sharing situation (I don’t know the situation there) that is manifesting itself in this way. Counseling or intervention might help if there are big issues there. There are a few other things that come to mind (some opposing thoughts because each kid is so different). The first I observe in one of my children. When there is “crazy” on the outside, she feels the chaos inside her. It builds, and she acts out in inappropriate ways. She is opposite, however, in that the crazy builds until she comes home to me where it explodes. This year I have requested that she be in a classroom with a lot of structure. However, we can’t adjust everything to fit our child’s individual personality. The fact is that our kids need to learn self-control and coping tools despite their circumstances. The world can’t adjust everything to my child’s temperament. Therefore, what kind of outlets can I give my child to help her cope within the moment? With the crazy my child feels, I have given some choices for her. Of course, this is easier at home than at school because you don’t have the schedule or other kids to deal with. I have found that sometimes my daughter needs some alone time to re-group. I will send her to her room to try and relax and read at moments. Sometimes the opposite is the solution. I encourage her to get the crazy out by running up and down the sidewalk, doing handstands and cartwheels, punching pillows or play dough, coloring or doing something physical to release some of the pent up energy. I have learned to tell what she needs, and she is learning to express it. OK – The weird thing is I’m going to offer up a different thought…like I said, kids are so different, and it takes some observation to learn what works for your child. The opposite thought, therefore, is your child might do well with a teacher that has a little less structure (my guess is this isn’t the direction to go based on what you are describing, but I had to throw it out there). Some kids I’ve observed do better in a learning environment that is more open to free exploration and creativity. If she is academically advanced, there is a chance that she is one of those kids that will do better is she has some more ownership of her learning with a teacher who is more open to children who are a bit more of a free thinker. Overall, I have observed (as a former teacher) that the majority of the kids I have encountered do better with structure. However, there is this class of kids that feels squelched under the structure. This could be your child. If your daughter is gifted, she might be dealing with a whole different set of experiences. Here’s a link to a book I’m currently reading if you think that might apply: http://goo.gl/ITQqh8. It’s called “Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students: Helping Kids Cope with Explosive Feelings.” On a different note, I’m curious what kind of systems you have in place for dealing with consequences and rewards for behavior. I would definitely try and do that. You could have a reward chart. Every day your child’s behavior card stays on green at school (or some indication of proper behavior), she gets a small prize or sticker that works toward a bigger prize. In contrast, phone calls home or poor behavior leads to consequences based on her “currency” – privileges removed, TV or screen time taken away, more chores. Since it is happening against the school, I like the idea that she might have to do something to help the school, like pick up garbage around the permitter or playground, pick weeds, etc. One other thing to think about is if there is anything going on physically. Is she getting enough sleep? a proper diet? a healthy home environment? We found that my daughter was dealing with some health issues and couldn’t express, in a proper way, her discomfort. Now that we are dealing with some of those things, behavior is improving. I think those are my thoughts for now. I hope this has been a little helpful. Keep in touch. Stick with it. My consistent. It’s so hard. I know! It drives us to our wits end, but we just want to see our kids succeed. I’ve learned it is a marathon. You can do this.
I want to teach this to my kids and learn myself to have a better self – control and understanding of this technique. Thanks and God Bless!
Thank you for commenting. It’s definitely a process. It gets better and better though. I hope you have success here.
great post perfect for first time parents like me and my wife 🙂 my daughter always have her tantrums and we are having hard time dealing with her. thank you for sharing this
Thanks so much. When I learned this trick, it literally changed our lives. It was so helpful to have mentors. Part of this blog is me wanting to pass along all the useful information I’ve acquired from others much more wise than me.
I’m going to try this with my 6yr old. 🙂
Also, i just wanted to say that you can really see Jesus in you. You seem very loving and kind. 🙂
That is such a huge compliment. Thank you for that. I’d love to hear how it goes with your 6 year old. Blessings!
I’m sorry but I disagree with this method although I have employed it in the past ( or something similar)… In my experience, I believe isolating children who are upset and merely displaying healthy emotions, causes more negative emotions (crying/whinging), and a struggle to gain control over their emotions or a “happy heart” as you put it. I believe it is important for children to be free to express their emotions (as frustrating as hearing them cry is). Crying is a normal emotion and I know that if I was crying or upset and my husband, friends & family ignored it or told me to go away until I can control myself, I would feel incredibly alone and unsupported. Putting children in an isolated area to try to deal with their intense emotions teaches them to suppress their feelings, internalise all negativity and essentially bottle things up!
In my opinion, “time in” as a posed to “time out” is a better alternative and I have found that the more positive “time in” I spend with my children, creates more confident, less whingey children! The more I push them away, the more they cry and whinge. The more I support and encourage (whilst showing them other ways to express themselves), the less crying and whinging!! In my opinion the only way to achieve a true “happy heart” is through love and support.
First of all, I want to thank you so much for disagreeing so respectfully. I love to hear other opinions because I love to better myself as a parent and consider what other people believe and do. I went to bed considering what you were saying, and thinking about what I thought and how to respond.
I completely hear what you are saying. I, too, don’t want to stuff my children’s emotions. I cry. I get upset. I get angry. I expect my children to too. I would be concerned if they didn’t. It’s healthy. I believe that expressing emotions is very important. I just want them to learn how to do it in an effective way.
I added a clarifying few sentences to the post. This method does not apply to times they are sick, sad (a friend hurt their feelings, their dog died, etc.) I want to show compassion in those moments in their lives. What I am really talking about in this scenario is when they fall apart because they wanted the red playing piece and not the green one while we are playing a game. It’s when they fall apart for things that are all about them wanting things they can’t get. I do still want to talk through these things, but I need them to get control before we can be effective. I have experienced and believe that feeding into that through cuddling, negotiating, etc. teaches them that that is the way to behave if they want to get something. I want my kids to learn that the inappropriate reactions to their emotions isn’t received in a positive way. I might want something in my marriage, personal life, or job situation, but whining about it (which adults often do…me included) is not productive, and it’s not a Biblical attitude. I want to teach that young. Does that mean we don’t cry? of course not. However, when the crying escalates to crazy levels for little reason, it’s just not appropriate. After all, we don’t cry over spilt milk, right? I guess I have wanted to a couple times when it’s like the 20th thing I’ve had to clean up. 😉
The next thing to acknowledge is that we are all raising different kind of kids. I have one child who is highly dramatic. Everything could be something dramatic. We will be having the best day, and if one thing doesn’t go her way she will turn around and scream, “WORST DAY EVER!” and freak out. She has done this from a young age. The slightest thing can throw her off. However, I have learned that she can turn it on and off at the flip of a switch. It’s a show. It’s drama. I want to be able to believe her when things are really sad or she is really hurt. Therefore, the drama, whining and tears when times are not as bad as she thinks are is a type of “crying wolf.” I definitely see the positive side to her drama, but I have to parent it right so it doesn’t turn into manipulation. Not everyone is raising that kind of kid. As you have experienced that isolating a child causes it to get work, I have experienced the opposite. The more I feed into her drama, the bigger and louder and more dramatic she gets. We might just be raising different kind of kids.
I also want to make it very clear that when they are able to get some self-control over their emotions, we talk. We define the emotion they feel. “I understand you feel frustrated. Tell me why. How can we deal with this in a different way? We can problem solve this together.” or “I understand you really wanted that game piece. Do you know your sister really wanted it to? We need to learn to think of others and come up with a solution. Maybe she can use it this round, and you get to choose the next.” It’s not a method that is trying to just shove down all of their emotions and never use the moment as teachable. It’s not an escape. It is a chance for them to get control on their terms. I let them sit and kick the stairs, cry, feel upset and then come back so we can chat. If my children remain in the situation, then everyone there has to stop what they’re doing for inappropriate behavior. I don’t want to teach that whining will make them the center of attention.
You may still disagree, but I did want to give some more vision into what this looks like in our home. I totally agree with your heart in loving and supporting our children. In the end, I think both yours and mine will know our love for them, which speak loader than any method we might try.
I disagree with this too. What on earth is wrong with children wanting attention from their parents? Yes they need to learn appropriate ways of expressing their upset and asking for the attention they want and need, but they also need empathy and compassion for that upset and someone to be there with them until they are calm. This “happy heart” method just sends the message that sometimes it’s not okay for them to be upset and that when they are, they are on their own until they can be “happy” again. That is not a message I want to be giving my son. I want him to know all his feelings are okay, that it is okay for him to be upset about anything that he feels upset about and that I will be there for him when he is having a hard time and will help him calm down so we can resolve the problem together. What we may consider to be inconsequential or not worth worrying about may be really important to your child. Who are you to decide when it is valid for your child to be upset and when it’s not? I got this message from my dad a lot – that it was not okay for me to be angry sometimes. That has caused me problems with anxiety, depression and dealing with anger effectively my whole life. I don’t think it’s ever okay to leave a child alone with their upset feelings with the message that they can’t have your attention until they have a “happy heart” again. That is one of the times they need your attention the most.
Thank you so much for your opinion, and I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to write back. I try and stay on top of my comments, but trying to balance being a wife, mother, and all my other responsibilities as well as staying on all the components of being a blogger seems to be a challenge. Sometimes responding to the comments takes a back seat, and for that I apologize. I know you took the time to write, and I of course want to take the time to respond. I appreciate your thoughtful comments and passion for raising kids. I do hear what you are saying with your concerns. I totally agree with your thoughts on empathy, and that really is a component of my parenting. I have written about it here https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/12/day-361-tip-show-empathy.html and here https://meaningfulmama.com/2013/03/helping-kids-verbalize-their-emotions.html. I think it is a little challenging to see an overview of someone’s entire parenting through one article. I have found that with my daughters, one in particular, drama tends to escalate and she wants to control the situation. Therefore, sending her away to gain control so that we can come back together to explore emotions, take time to teach and communicate in a healthy way has been the most effective method for us. I also see this technique used my parents I respect who have been down the parenting road and have super well-balanced kids, and I tend to mimic some of their methods. I can’t find the source right now, but I’ve read that when a child’s brain escalates in anger, it has a certain amount of time to calm down before it can even function enough to listen. Therefore, this time aways is a calming time. In retrospect, I’m not sure “happy heart” is the term I really should have used with them. It’s more of a time to get self control so we can really be effective in our communication with one another. I, too, want my kids to know it’s OK to feel angry or frustrated. I want them to be able to label those feelings and understand that everyone feels those things. I know, however, that it’s my role to usher them through the stage of whining and crying to get what they want. This in no way says they can’t feel. I am so sorry about your experience with your dad and the pain it has caused you. I know I have told my kids over and over and over again that their feelings are real and valid and OK. It’s what we are going to choose to do with those feelings that moves us through, and that’s what I’m trying to teach. Are we going to scream, punch things and throw a fit or are we going to express ourselves in a way that is healthy – through conversation, healthy physical outlets, perhaps time alone or any other of solutions that might be a good fit for particular child (See https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/03/day-88-tip-ten-ways-to-calm-angry-child.html and https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/10/day-278-10-more-ways-of-helping-kids.html)? Again, I think you’d probably have to read all of my parenting tips as well as my character development stuff (particularly lessons on sensitivity/empathy) to get an overall picture of my parenting approach. I hope this is helpful. You may still disagree with the approach, but I have found that communicating with them when they are under control and know they aren’t manipulating the family dynamics by their drama has been super effective for us. I also want to add that I am super empathetic when it comes to sadness, sickness, frustrations and the like…it’s really the drama that escalates that I have little tolerance for. Thanks for taking the time to comment, and again for your obvious passion for doing the best thing for kids.
This is basically what we’ve always done. My daughter learned at a very young age that if she displayed some behaviors in front of some of the adults in her life then she could get what she wanted. I think she was about a year old when it started. That wasn’t going to fly with me! I picked the coldest spot in our house. If she wanted to throw a tantrum (That’s what it was at that age) she could go there until she got herself under control. She never wanted to be there for long because it was cold! Now (at 4) it’s whining and crying, She’s to the point now that we only have to look at her and say, “Chair” and she goes right to her chair until she’s calmed down. Sometimes she’ll even put herself in her chair when she starts loosing control. When she’s back under control we talk about what went wrong. We still have these moments, but they are fewer and farther between. We also see an increase in these moments when she’s been with some of those same adults. And we see improvement too, when she starts to feel overwhelmed we can see her take a few deep breathes and then she says, “See I’m not crying, Mommy. Can I ask you my question now?” She’s learning to stop it before it even gets going.
This is also something that my mom used when my brother and I were growing up. To this day, if we’re loosing control we will still excuse ourselves to the bathroom until we’ve regained composure and we’re nearly 30! Everyone has moments when they feel overwhelmed and don’t know how to deal with those feelings. This teaches children at a young age how to know when these feelings are coming and control them or find a place to get away to get a handle on them.
I definitely want my children to know that these feelings are real, but they can choose how to respond. We want to address their feelings and talk about them. These feelings can include frustration, anger, disappointment, jealousy, etc. Those feelings are real. However, how will be choose to respond. This morning, for example, my daughter fell apart about something, and we could trace it back to jealousy. Once she was able to get composure on the stairs (after the initial falling apart), we could have a real productive conversation about the dangers of jealousy, and we came up with the solution to think of three things we are grateful for when those feelings come to the surface. However, we would not be able to move forward in the conversation if she continued screaming and crying in rage. The feelings are normal. I talked to her about how I can feel jealous too, but it takes the self control to move past those moments and be productive in our thoughts and actions. Thanks for your contribution to the conversation.
I just wanted to let you know that this article is an answer to prayer for me. I have an almost 7 year old son who is well-known in our family for his “fussing,” as we’ve called it. It’s the crying and whining he does throughout the day when he doesn’t get his way. It started at a young age, and I’ve been expecting him to grow out of it, but he hasn’t. He cries and fusses 10 times more in a day than his two younger siblings combined. I’ve tried all sorts of things to try to help him., and interestingly, the idea of praying with him for a cheerful heart is something that I implemented shortly before I came across this article. I know that it is something that he can control in some part, because he turns it off at school (I volunteered regularly in his class and talked to his teacher about it.) when I asked him about that he said it would be too embarrassing to act that way in front of his classmates. Anyways, what you suggest is similar to the strategies I’ve been using most recently, but I love the idea of him deciding when he can rejoin us with a happy heart. (And I can remain calm and peaceful myself.). Thank you so much. You have really encouraged me.
I am so glad to hear this has been encouraging. My daughter can turn it on and off like that too. I can completely related. I’d love for you to check back in and let me know how it goes with him. Thanks so much for commenting!
I need some help/advice. I have a two-year old daughter and 11 month old daughter. my two year old will not under any circumstances listen to me. she only listens to her father because she is literally scared of him. he’s downright mean at times. anyway, I can be polite, calm, yell, be stern, etc and nothing works!!! she keeps disobeying and even does something out of spite because she “can”. what do I do and how do I do it to correct this?! :S
Hello. Thanks so much for reaching out to me. 2’s and 3’s are so challenging. They are testing the boundaries and trying to figure out who is in control. I want to help as much as I can. I still deal with this with my own kids, but I do want to encourage you that it gets easier as you continue to work on it. I know mine do so much better when I am “on” with my parenting techniques. It takes a lot of focus and consistency. That is my first piece of advice. Consistency. Your daughter needs to know that there are consequences for behaviors. I would encourage time outs. You read my advice here for whining and crying. For an outright “no” in attitude or words, there will be a consequence in our home. You might quickly discover her currency (screen time, treats, a toy taken away, time outs, etc.). I would encourage you to respond in a calm way. I say something to the effect of, “I am sorry. We don’t say no to mommy like that. You have a consequence,” and follow through. On the flip side, I would try and set up a reward system as well. Every time your daughter responds the right way, she can earn a sticker, which may result in a prize once she has collected enough (a movie, game time, a Dollar Store trip, etc.). I try to go crazy with compliments when they’re responding the right way…over the top excited about their behavior. I try to train my kids to respond with a “Yes, Mommy” by playing a fun game – https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/01/day-4-tip-of-day-yes-mommy.html. Again, this takes consistency in practice, rewards and consequences. She should never be rewarded for poor behavior just to make it easier for you. When my kids are whining, having a bad attitude or disobeying, the answer is no in our house. Tonight, my daughter was disobeying before bed time. She asked if she could sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag. My response? “I wish you could. I would have said yes. However, you weren’t obeying me getting into bed so the answer is no. Maybe you could try it again tomorrow night.” Done. Crying…yes. No negotiations since there was disobedience. I know that much communication can’t happen with a two year old, but it can happen in your actions and at her level. You are in such a challenge phase with the ages of your kids. One thing I have had to keep in mind is that this is a marathon rather than a 50 yard dash. I begin to think that if I’m on top of it for a bit, they should just get it. What I fail to recognize is that obedience is going to be a life long lesson, and it’s going to take me recognizing that and walking in faith that things will get better. I am seeing the fruits too. Yes, we have moments…daily…and set backs (mostly when I’m distracted or not doing my job well), but there are a lot of improvements. You can do this. It’s hard work. Consistency is key. Here are a few more posts that might help: https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/12/day-362-make-expectations-clear.html, https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/07/day-190-tip-explanations-in-five-words.html, https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/06/day-157-tip-train-in-calm-gentle-voice.html, https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/04/day-109-tip-distinguish-between-willful.html and https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/01/day-17-tip-try-that-again.html. I hope that helps. Keep in touch.
Thank you for these tips. I look forward to using them and passing them on. 🙂
So glad you find this helpful. I know it has made a huge difference in our world, and I hope you experience the same.
This was a great read TILL it turned religious……
I’d encourage you to take from the article what works for you family. I completely understand people have different beliefs, and I respect that. For our family, we come from a Christian belief system, and we want to teach that to our children. For us, if we love a movie or a book, we’re going to tell our friends about it. We do believe in the love of God and all He has for us, and it would seem cruel to keep it ourselves and not share it. I still hope you’ll stop by Meaningful Mama and be able to get some inspiration…taking what makes sense to you and your family and leaving the rest for others. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I confess, I initially read this thinking about how putting them on the stairs would cause them to pretend they are happy just to be with the family but that there would still be something brewing in the heart, but then I saw how you explained yourself and it made sense. Honestly, I have two whiners at home and I believe my problem is consistency. Time outs anywhere do nothing for them but make them feel rejected. I have been doing the other side of it by asking them to just ask for whatever it is they need in a normal voice without the whining so that I can understand them. They stop whining immediately. I have noticed the whining and tantrums have picked up exponentially since sending them to school (K5 and 1st Grade). I know the school does not tolerate whining or tantrums of any kind. Could it be a form of letting off steam or pent up emotions? Not sure yet. I am still working on not being emotional about the whining. I hate whining and it makes me crazy. I have had to give myself a quick time out just to get my thoughts and expectations of my young children to line up with reality. Thank you for posting this. It was a good read. I understand your heart. You are a great mom.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read the article, see my heart and comment so thoughtfully. I completely understand your reservations, and part of me thinks that people would almost need to see a video of our family working to understand it completely. I agree with your desire to get them to ask in a normal voice, and that is always our first attempt too. My kids seem pretty dramatic and can’t always pull it together as quick as yours. A common phrase in our family is, “Oh, try that again.” We want to give them the opportunity to get it together. However, we take this approach when they completely fall apart because they don’t get what they want. It might mean that we are playing a game, and one of their siblings wants the red game marker. The immediate response used to be (and sometimes still could be on an off day) freaking out, whining, crying and falling apart. I might give them an opportunity to try it again, but if they can’t, I send them away to get control. The way I see it, self control is one of the biggest things they’ll need to learn in life. I want to understand and help them to express their emotions, but I just don’t see the benefit of letting them gain positive attention, cuddles, etc. when they clearly are not communicating in an effective way. You know – I think school is hard for kids as they are adjusting, and I have experienced some of the same things you are experiencing. It seems to be getting better. That’s the encouragement. My kids get all praises at school. There is not one complaint from the teachers about behavior. However, I’ve seen them fall apart at home. I do believe that they have had so much restraint throughout the day and just lose it sometimes. I have tried to figure out how to best tackle this too. Food is a big thing. I know I need to get food in them right away because blood sugar is low at the end of the day. I also find that they might need some alone time to decompress. I also want to make sure they get enough exercise. It sounds like you’re doing such a great job. Hang in there. I’m experiencing that with consistency, things get a lot better…especially when I’m completely on it, which I hate to admit isn’t always the case. Blessings! Thanks for commenting.
Oh, no. Please don’t think mine get it together very quickly. They are at the crying and screaming and falling completely apart stage when they don’t get exactly what they want. I find they are doing this more often than not. I believe it’s the consistency issue. I think you are right about the blood sugar being the issue to start off. I have found my daughter is not eating her lunch so she melts down really easy in the car on the way home (she confessed to not liking sandwiches). I agree with you about cuddling them and such reinforcing the behavior, although I am sure there is a time for that. My three-year-old was inconsolable today because he couldn’t watch his favorite show for as long as he wanted. It turned out he just needed daddy to snuggle on the couch with him. Twenty minutes on the couch with daddy and he was fine. Blessings to you and keep doing what you do!
I’m sorry but that sounds really terrible to me. You’re forcing your child to move past his/her DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE emotions as quickly as possible so that they can feel loved by the family again. They are only allowed to be part of life if they have a happy heart. They aren’t allowed to feel upset.
Please look at some neurological research on the brain development of children and try to have some empathy for your little ones instead. I know whining is annoying, but it doesn’t mean your child’s very real emotions should be shunned, even if you think they are ridiculous, they don’t. Why do you get to choose what is a valid reason to be sad or upset for your toddler?
Hello! I actually just responded to a similar comment, so I hope you don’t mind if I cut and paste my response. Otherwise, I think I’d just be typing the same thing over again. I hope you’ll have grace with me on that one. 🙂
Thank you so much for your opinion, and I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to write back. I try and stay on top of my comments, but trying to balance being a wife, mother, and all my other responsibilities as well as staying on all the components of being a blogger seems to be a challenge. Sometimes responding to the comments takes a back seat, and for that I apologize. I know you took the time to write, and I of course want to take the time to respond. I appreciate your thoughtful comments and passion for raising kids. I do hear what you are saying with your concerns. I totally agree with your thoughts on empathy, and that really is a component of my parenting. I have written about it here https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/12/day-361-tip-show-empathy.html and here https://meaningfulmama.com/2013/03/helping-kids-verbalize-their-emotions.html. I think it is a little challenging to see an overview of someone’s entire parenting through one article. I have found that with my daughters, one in particular, drama tends to escalate and she wants to control the situation. Therefore, sending her away to gain control so that we can come back together to explore emotions, take time to teach and communicate in a healthy way has been the most effective method for us. I also see this technique used my parents I respect who have been down the parenting road and have super well-balanced kids, and I tend to mimic some of their methods. I can’t find the source right now, but I’ve read that when a child’s brain escalates in anger, it has a certain amount of time to calm down before it can even function enough to listen. Therefore, this time aways is a calming time. In retrospect, I’m not sure “happy heart” is the term I really should have used with them. It’s more of a time to get self control so we can really be effective in our communication with one another. I, too, want my kids to know it’s OK to feel angry or frustrated. I want them to be able to label those feelings and understand that everyone feels those things. I know, however, that it’s my role to usher them through the stage of whining and crying to get what they want. This in no way says they can’t feel. I am so sorry about your experience with your dad and the pain it has caused you. I know I have told my kids over and over and over again that their feelings are real and valid and OK. It’s what we are going to choose to do with those feelings that moves us through, and that’s what I’m trying to teach. Are we going to scream, punch things and throw a fit or are we going to express ourselves in a way that is healthy – through conversation, healthy physical outlets, perhaps time alone or any other of solutions that might be a good fit for particular child (See https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/03/day-88-tip-ten-ways-to-calm-angry-child.html and https://meaningfulmama.com/2012/10/day-278-10-more-ways-of-helping-kids.html)? Again, I think you’d probably have to read all of my parenting tips as well as my character development stuff (particularly lessons on sensitivity/empathy) to get an overall picture of my parenting approach. I hope this is helpful. You may still disagree with the approach, but I have found that communicating with them when they are under control and know they aren’t manipulating the family dynamics by their drama has been super effective for us. I also want to add that I am super empathetic when it comes to sadness, sickness, frustrations and the like…it’s really the drama that escalates that I have little tolerance for. Thanks for taking the time to comment, and again for your obvious passion for doing the best thing for kids.
i use the i cant understand what youre saying with my 2.5 yr old i also showed hime the differences in tone so i can remind him to listen to his voice and change it. usually works!
That’s great! We use that too, and I think it’s a great idea. Thanks for your comments.
Excellent article. I’m an “old timer” so parenting has gone through “makeovers” several times through my lifetime. But this article ;does not have one item that I have not seen proven to work or disagree with. I would like to add a couple thoughts, however. Her remark to leave the spot to work through the happy heart as a part of the acting family is critical. I’ve seen parents try similar tactics, but they send their kids to their rooms to work it out. When I was a child, no matter what the circumstance, disobedience, spanking, bad attitude, whine, etc, I was sent to my room after it was addressed for 5 min – by the timer, to “think it out and change my attitude to a happy heart”. Well, yes, it worked. It really did! But I’ve seen parents send their kids to their rooms for long periods of time – 15 min to sometimes the rest of the day (depending on age). It worked for me because my 5 minutes had to have a lot of heart felt, mind changing action in a little bit of time. My warning is…. when one is isolated for any period of time, there is too much think time. And generally think time reinforces the reasons the child got in trouble in the first place. The time spent needs to be positive, without the opportunity to allow the anger, madness and rebellion to start it’s seed or to grow. The sitting on the steps with an open ended opportunity of rejoining the family is perfect. Please do not confuse that I am saying to never send a child to their room, but keep it within reason and for a reason. Bring a reason to it such as defining the “why”, and when they know the “why”, they discuss it. My point is…. if a child is allowed to whine, to pout, to isolate and focus on their own self pity, they never grow out of it. You see it with adults – as your co-workers, you see it with your friends or siblings who always have to have their own way, you see it as the mom or dad who’s problems are always bigger than their child’s. You get the point. Kudos to the author of this article. Great parenting. Blessings to you. And yes, always bring the Word to your kids. It’s life and breath.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, and I totally agree with your comments. They are really helpful for clarification of the heart behind this. I think there is a difference in sending to the room vs. someplace on the steps. Thank you for pointing that out. I really appreciate you commenting as someone who has more years of experience. Blessings!