* The feature picture is of my most recent lie. I left a note to my daughter about why the tooth fairy hadn’t left money on her most recent visit.
Why I Lie to My Kids
Yes, I lie to my kids. Why would I do such a thing? It seems so counterintuitive. It almost seems hypocritical. After all, I have an entire part of my character development series on teaching honesty to kids. Will my lies lead them to not trust me? Will my lies lead them to not trust God? These are things I wrestle with and think about as I lie to my children. Yet, I continue to do it. Why?
Some of the reasons I lie might be personal experience. Growing up, I was lied to. I was told that Santa Claus was real, and I believed it. Truth be told, there’s a part of me that still does…or at least wants to. I saw the cookie crumbs left on the plate. So, what happened when I found out these were all lies? Lies!! Nothing. I joined in the fun and was able to create the same magic for my little sister. I do so now with my own kids. Elf on the Shelf is a fun one for this generation. It is so funny to see everyone’s creative ideas. It brings that childhood spirit, which is so often missing, into life. To see and feel the excitement playing into these moments is palpable. It brings me joy to experience it all over again through the eyes of my children. I’m still the first person up on Christmas morning awaiting the magic to begin.
The Easter Bunny is part of the guise too. I remember one Easter my old sister (by 4 years) screaming that she saw the bunny as she was standing at the window. I came running. It had gone around the corner. Bummer. Another scream from another room sent me running again. I missed that tricky bunny again. Lies!! What happened when I found out I was being lied too? Nothing. I have put my faith in God and am a follower today. I could differentiate between a childhood pretend fun and real life.
The Tooth Fairy was another lie. I’m sure there were other things I believed growing up that weren’t true. For example, I played in my back yard and thought it was a forest. I made traps for the animals that I believe I would catch. Looking back now, I have no idea how I believed that small patch of trees in the backyard was a forest, but I did. I’m sure I went in and told my parents all about my adventures. I’m sure they didn’t tell me the truth. I’m sure they didn’t smack down the fantasy world I had created but let me believe. In first grade I know I believed that one of the girls in our class was visited by the popular boys at her window. No one had told me that. I had created the scenario in my mind. I also believed that the house with the tower across from my school was haunted with ghosts. This was all part of growing up. It’s part of what made things interesting, fun and exciting.
We grow up believing lies – lies that have been told to us or lies that we have created. Some of these lies were awful and harmful. Those are not the kind of lies I am speaking of today. I am so sorry for the harm that have been done to you because of some of the lies you have been told. The lies I speak of today would probably be better classified, in my opinion, as childhood pretend and whimsical fantasy. My parents allowed me to believe, drawing on the natural imagination that children have in their younger years of life. There is so much fun in dreaming of another world and using creative thinking to develop ideas. I believe that writers and authors have a vivid imagination that draws on stories they heard growing up. Stories aren’t real but they can become very real to a child. It is part of being a child. It is part of dreaming. It is a part of using an often lost part of our brains as we grow. It helps to of dream of things that might be or could be and develops skills of invention and creativity. Imagination is a huge part of what builds into our future artists, scientists, explorers, entrepreneurs and dreamers. You know…those people that change the world.
Children have the wonderful gift of innocence. Reality is harsh. The world is a hard place sometimes. They have a big future ahead of them to live in the real world. I want to help them capture their childhood by allowing them to explore the world of make believe. I want them to build on the idea of imagination. I believe that one day they will marry their gift of knowledge and their use of creative thinking to build into their world in unique ways.
I was lied to as a child, but I still trust my parents. I was lied to as a child, but I still felt safe in believing the bigger things. I was lied to as a child, and I dream big. I was lied to as a child, and I have an creative and entrepreneurial bent. I was lied to as a child and now I’m lying to my own kids.
When it is time to tell your kids the truth about these whimsical character, I love how it was explained in this letter.
I also want to end with the thought that Christmas is not about Santa. Easter is not about the Easter bunny. While we do those things as fun on the side, the main emphasis that we celebrate most is Jesus. We have books about Jesus’ birth and death. We listen to music that tells the story. We visit the living nativity and have nativity scenes that we see and discuss. Our Bible believing church backs us up with the teachings and activities. If you asked my kids the reason for Christmas, they will say we celebrate Jesus’ birth. If you ask about Easter, they will know it’s about Jesus’ death and resurrection. This is the important thing to emphasize in the season, and if you feel like Santa or the Easter bunny are getting in the way of the message, please stop.
* Note to Parents: This topic is a personal preference. You may not agree. Please allow other parents to make this decision for their own family. Explain to your kids that other families do practice differently to than your family and tell stories to their children about these topics. Explain why you don’t. Encourage them not to ruin the stories for those families.
* I do understand this is a controversial topic. I am interested in your thoughts and experiences. I am OK with the fact that some will disagree. I invite you to disagree and think it adds flavor and depth to life to understand different viewpoints. All I ask is that you keep this conversation productive and respectful. I will delete any comments on my Facebook thread or post that seem mean, name calling or attacking.
More Ways I Lie to My Kids
How the Tooth Fairy Visits our House
I wish i had seen this before. I agree with all in this article. I realize how much lies i believe and keep do in it. Thanks for sharing. Truth is always the best.
Thanks so much for you comments. I am glad you enjoyed the article and took the time to comment.
Whimsy and play seem to be generous gifts that God blessed us all with at birth. Isn’t it such a fun sign of His love that we are all born w/ the faith and hope that EVERYTHING is possible?! I love your post. It reminds us not to take ourselves so seriously and to join into our kids love of whimsy. While we’ve never made a big deal about Santa and the kids have never assumed that a bunny brought them their Easter gifts…we have other ways of playing w/ them in their pretend. They believe in Leprechauns because they wreak havoc on our house every year. The tooth fairy is someone they count on and write letters to. I think C.S. Lewis was a genius when he wrote the Chronicles of Narnia because he knew it would speak the Gospel loud and clear to the fantastic and hopeful hearts of our children…and us.
I totally agree, Beck. Thanks for commenting. I love that spirit behind these characters. I love to teach my kids truths woven within stories. I need to learn more about your havoc. That sounds like too much fun! I love your thought about not taking ourselves so seriously. There is such wisdom in that!
I just found this while researching telling kids about the tooth fairy – if I should continue to lie or not.
My daughter is 11 and still believes in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter bunny, but she seems to be growing skeptical – particularly of Santa..
She asked me about santa last Christmas because her friends don’t believe in Santa and tease her a little bit.
I told her that reality and belief are in some sense the same thing because what we believe impacts our lives. I then asked her if she preferred to believe that a jolly fellow brings presents to all the boys and girls each year, or to decide he’s imaginary and remove him from your life. She said, “Santa is more fun!”
I normally don’t comment on the web but I wanted to say that I LOVE your marshmallow bush and the Leprechaun going potty – absolutely brilliant. When my daughter was younger and Christmas rolled around I’d lightly dust my shoes with flour and walk to the presents, to the milk and cookies, then back out the door. When she woke up she’d excitedly follow the footsteps around before going to the presents which I thought was cool.
I’m still not sure what I’ll tell her about the Tooth Fairy. Every year she has written little notes to the TF asking if she could keep her tooth which is adorable (and I’ve saved them all!)
Thanks for the post. I wish I’d found it when Lydia was younger as I’d have used your Leprechaun idea (I may do it next year just for fun!)
Thanks so much for commenting. I don’t know if she has little siblings, but it is fun to begin to have your kids help create the magic. It can be a great time to explain some of the truths behind the mythical creatures – like Santa Claus. Where are the roots? What is the spirit behind it? I absolutely love this letter I found on pop sugar: http://moms.popsugar.com/Telling-Kids-Truth-About-Santa-27332439. I don’t think that the transition to telling kids the truth has to be miserable. I would love to hear about the transition you have with your daughter when it is time.
We do the same and to be honest, I feel really bad a lot of the time for lying to them. It’s a hard place for me but ultimately, I want their childhood to be magical and exciting and without these ficitional characters, it would be a little more difficult.
I’m sorry you feel bad. I hope this was encouraging to you. If not, you might want to reconsider. If it doesn’t feel right for your family then maybe it doesn’t work for you. I don’t know. I just think it’s fun. It’s hard to make some of these decisions. I really understand both sides of the argument. Thanks for commenting!
I am glad I am not the only one who feels guilty. I started to wonder if I was the only one, that everyone one else who felt the way I did just told their children the true. We also believe in Santa and such in my home because I want my son to experience the magic I did as a child, but I struggle even talking about Santa with him because I feel I am lying to him. I do not like it at all. But I agree with this article that once I found out the truth it didn’t affect my relationship with my parents. I still trusted them and saw the reason for such fun ideas at the holidays. I hope my son sees it the same way when he stops believing.
I think this can be such a personal choice and you need to do what feel right to you. I know that I am carefully thinking and planning about what I am going to say when it comes time to tell the truth. I think this can be done well and impact fully. Thanks for commenting!
I would say if you feel bad your conscience is aletering you that your are acting against your values and not in alignment with your spirit. In other words, you are either lying, justifying it, or allowing it to knowingly go on. Lying is not good for us, it is inauthentic. I think it kind of humorous that it is a double lie — first the toothfairy lie, then that she cares about how clean the room is. this seems a lazy and hurtful way to teach a child to keep their room clean. In particular becuase it will not be social validated by their peers and leave them confused and feeling like the toothfairy has something against them in particular. Young minds take on a lot of guilt and shame without their parents help.
Thanks for your comments. I definitely understand your other side of the argument. My daughter didn’t seemed fazed that the tooth fairy needed a cleaner room. She just waited a couple days until she was motivated and got to work. I think we really need to be sensitive to our kids and what we believe will be harmful to them as each child is different. I think some kids are particularly sensitive in areas like this. I will definitely check back with this article if the transition to learning the truth has a negative impact on my kids and bite my words. I think there are well-intended parents on both sides of the argument.
Well. If the toothfairy added an interest payment, I will let you slide.
Seriously, could you be any more creative?! Hey, sometimes you gotta tell a white lie and at least it’s one that will teach her a lesson to clean her room. I hope the tooth fairy was able to successfully leave her money this time!
Kim – <a href="http://www.theinfinitesmile.com/blogThe Infinite Smile Project
Thanks so much. The tooth fairy was able to come back and make a visit once the room was clean. 🙂 Win. Win. Thanks for commenting!
This is such a great read. For a while now I have been questioning myself about these type of “lies” that I tell to my kids. There are times where I feel bad, because I really get creative and fantastical with the stories. I love seeing the kids wide-eyed as I give detail after detail about make-believe places, animals, etc. I especially love it when they overwhelm me with questions. Then I really know I got their attention, but I always walked away with a feeling of guilt. A feeling like I deceived them somehow. After reading this, I know now not to feel that way. I’m glad that I can support the growth of creativity and imagination in my children. Plus, it’s really amusing and almost brings the kid out in me as well. 🙂 thanks again for the post.
I’m glad you found this post helpful. You know, different things work for different families and different kids. I love building on the creativity and imagination of kids. That said, if you are feeling guilty, I’d explore that too. That can come from true conviction. It’s something to think about. I haven’t felt that conviction about how we are doing it, and I examine the heart of it all. You also know your kids. Are your kids ones that will be ultra-sensitive to the game or will they feel deceived? If so, it might be time for a change. It’s such a personal experience for families that it really is hard to make a blanket decision. I love that you love to engage with your kids in fun ways, and you must have a creative spirit to be able to talk about make-believe places and creatures. I wish my story telling was as colorful. Thanks for commenting.
Great read. I totally agree. childhood is so fleeting. i think of how much less magical it would have been had i not been lied too. kudos
Thanks so much for commenting. There’s been a lot of negative response to this, so it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my thoughts. 🙂
I don’t consider it lying but encouragung the natural creativity that God has instilled in us. Too many children today are exposed to the harsh realities of the world too young. Without imagination and encouragement to open these amazing places in the mind the mind will not develop as God intended. I look at all the things in the world that man has created and I believe these came from the creativity that was sparked in a child and grew even more in adulthood. That toothfairy you make up today may just lead to a childs desire to walk on the moon someday.
I love the way you have worded this, and I can’t agree more. Thank you so much for your contribution to the conversation. You are so right that there is innate creativity, imagination and dreaming that we can foster well in these kids. I want them to be able to dream big and imagine that nothing is impossible. 🙂
I loved this article. My boys are 4 and 2 and this year, Christmas was really fun and exciting because they both loved looking for Hank, the elf and going to see Santa (even if my 2 year old started screaming every time he came near!). I love the magical aspect of giving children something fun and exciting to believe in. After teaching 7th grade for several years, I have quickly learned how young children realize the harsh reality of this world. I would like for my children to keep their innocence as long as possible.
That’s how I see it too. Thanks for commenting.
I did the exact same thing–the “sorry I missed you” letter from the Tooth Fairy to my son. I blamed it on the “fierce guard cat” who had been in his room that night. He loved it!
That’s hilarious! So much fun.